another condenscending remark

My mother noticed the utilities bills on the table. She noticed that I had paid them.

"Oh! He has paid the bills" she said in a condescending tone. 

How little do they think of me? Do they not even have any faith that I can pay the utilities bills? 

They really like looking down on me. 

And yet, they get angry when I lash out. Something is wrong with me? Something is always wrong with me. 

I feel a little depressed

I feel a little depressed today. I think I'm gonna be alone my whole life..... I wonder what will happen.

Also, I just installed Android 10 on my phone. That's a little exciting....

New camera

Hey Peng,

I bought a new camera yesterday. I feel quite excited and nervous. Haha. I bought the canon M100 camera. Seems quite cool. 😀

I feel like crying

Today I had a bad day at work. Last minute I have to make some changes. I don't know if I can make it in time. I am not fast also.

I feel like quitting. I feel like crying. I feel so alone.

I am sad.

Bad guy

I don't why but I guess I am the bad guy.

Everyone things I am the bad guy. Too quiet, too strange, too weird, rude, disrespectful...

I give up already. Nothing I do will be right anyway.

I was cutting cake

So, I have been assigned to get cake for work. I was cutting the cake and then suddenly a girl says to me, "why you didn't ask a girl to help you cut the cake?"

WTF. I didn't know what to say or think.

What does she expect me to do?! Go up to some girl and suddenly ask her to cut the cake for me? WTF.!!

So fucking ridiculous.

Sekinchan

Hey Peng,

Today I went to Sekinchan. I wanted to the wishing tree. There were many red clothes on the tree. I did not expect that.
Also, there were many, many people. Hard to enjoy the beach. I might go back again.

It is clear now

Hey Peng,

You know, it is clear now. It is really clear now that my parents are bullies and mentally abusive. Any doubts I had before are gone. They are toxic and I will never be like them. I'm not them and I will never be like them. They are horrible people. Fuck them. I think I need to run away again.

I won't share my feelings to anyone

Hey Peng,

Except you, I won't share my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my doubts with anyone. I don't want anyone to know. Fuck them. Fuck them.

I hate weddings

Hey Peng,

I hate going to weddings. I hate weddings. I hate the hope and happiness. People spend too much on weddings and for what?

What's the point? I don't know. I don't fit it in weddings. I hate being apart of them.

Anyway, I hate it.

I will apologize

Hey Peng,

I will apologize to my mother. I will surrender. I don't care anymore. I'm not apologizing because I want her to talk to me. I just doing it because I don't to be the one who is waiting for an apology like an arrogant person. I do not want that.

I'm just going to apologize and keep my feelings, my troubles, my doubts to myself from now on.

I think writing here can help me a lot.

Today

Hey Peng,

Today I told my mother I really felt about her. I told her that she has become narcissistic, self-centered and hypocrite.I told her using text message. She replied that she was sorry but she didn;t understand how she could be self-centered when everything she has ever done was to put others before herself. She replied that she was hurt. She replied that she will stop talking to me and she will leave me alone.

I felt sad. I cried.

I sent that message maybe because I had hope that maybe, just maybe I could get some acknowledgment. I was mistaken. You can't discuss this thing with people with these kinds of personality. They don't have any self-awareness.

I am hopeless. Maybe that is a good thing. I will stop talking about this with my mother. I will keep all of my emotions inside me. I won't make this mistake again.

The worst thing about telling is that now I will be the bad guy forever. I will the bad guy that is disrespectful and rude and a jerk.