Hate

Dear Peng,

At this exact moment, I really freaking hate my life. FML!

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Oh ya, I just realized another thing just now when I was riding my bicycle. You know, all my life, my mother has defined who I was. I think I am studying engineering because she brainwashed me (And apart from the fact that I said I'll never do medicine and I will kill myself if she force me).

I think I am at USC because my mother brainwashed me. I was very adamant of going to Case. I thought Case would be good for a person like me. But now I am at USC. hmmm......

I think I kept on studying because my mother would get really angry if I didn't do well.

I think I kept following my mother's order without me even realizing. I think after a while it has been a subconscious habit to automatically take whatever my mother said to be true and just follow it without question.

I admit I have defied my mother alot of times, but my mother would get her way in the end. I am not angry or hate my mother. I just can't believe I never thought about all of these in this way.

But I began thinking about this when I was with you. See, when I was with you, Peng.....it was ME who wanted to be with you. My mother didn't say anything. I felt different. I really felt independent. I made many decisions on my own and the best thing, Peng.... was that you believed in my decisions! You trusted me.

But I ended our relationship because of my mother. Haih....Honestly, I don't feel that independent than when I was with you.

You know, I kinda hate the fact that my mother is right all the time. Can I make the right decisions myself? Can I live my own life? Am I able to live my own life? Should I live my own life?

Now that we are not together anymore, the identity that I created for myself has shattered. All that is left is the identity given to me by mother. And I don't want it!

I want to grow up...no, I want to be more matured. I want to think better. I want to improve myself.

The other day my parents said to me... "Don't get too involved in clubs. Focus on studies first!"
My father was almost scolding me when I said that I went for a number of clubs' meetings. I was kinda speechless. I just said ok. I did not know what to think.

Frankly, I don't know right and wrong anymore. Everything seems blur to me now.

My mother is still the same. Always comparing me with other people. She always ask me how did OTHER people do, specifically the Malaysian Gang. Thats not all, my mother would sound annoyed if OTHER people are doing better than me and will then proceed to scold me for not working hard enough. Then she say that maybe its because its the first semester, so everything is a little difficult to adjust too. My mother likes to play the "hot-and-cold" game.
Sometimes, I would just say that the OTHER people are doing ok and I doing ok too.

Sometime I am just too tired to study but I feel guilty if I don't study, then my mother will scold me. Haih...I am really screwed up.

Religion tells me to respect and love one's parents. I do. I do respect and love them. But sometimes, I feel......................
.....

.......really tired.