Stress

Dear Peng,

I am really feeling stress right now. I don't know what to study anymore. Oh baby~ I am waiting for your "Don't worry, honey. You'll do fine. I believe in you. Good luck". But I know its not coming at all.

Baby, I don't know how to live anymore. How can live with regret? How can I live with the fact that I am a person who breaks promises? How can I live with the fact that I hurt the girl that I love?

Do you have an answer, Peng?

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I am not going to talk much from now on. I really have no mood in talking. I just feel everything I say feels so empty. I am already dead on the inside. I'll just appear dead to everyone.

I am not gonna talk to anyone about my feelings. My mother doesn't really cares anyway. She will say what she always say, "Why must be stress so much? You only have to study and thats all. How 'bout me? I have to worry about the bills, the income, your sister, your brother.. and now you also? Don't give me a hard time, Quraish. Please. You want to make mummy sad? Do you?"

In the end, I get blamed and scolded for telling how down I am. I am not going to tell my mother any worries that I'm having for the rest of my life.

I am not going to tell anyone else also.
 "I am fine!" is what I am going to say. Lying is so much easier, I feel.

Now, I am even lying, huh?

Did I ever told you that I never lie, Peng? That was such a lie, huh? I was lying to myself, trying to make myself sound good. I lied to you and I cheated you and I gave you false hope and I was leading you on. I am so sorry, Peng.

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You believed in me, Peng. You were my best friend and my lover. You trusted me and I took advantage of you. Can you ever forgive me, Peng?

I love you, Peng! I love you so much Baby!