Lonely

Dear Peng,

Today, I read a psychology article. In the article, it states that, if one cares for others, one will learn to care for oneself too.

I believe that is true because that happen to me. Before you came into my life, Peng, I really, truly hated myself. I mean. many times, I tried to kill myself.

When you kept approaching me, I felt something. I felt needed. Gradually, I wanted to care for you, protect you,  make you happy, make you smile. My life had meaning. You had become an important part of me. At the same time, I started to believe in myself because you believed in me. If wanting to make you happy, make you smile and make you safe means love, then, Peng, I really love you!

I know it was me who ended our relationship. You asked why we should end when we both loved each other. Believe me, I was wondering the same.

ARGHGHGA~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

What was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to do. I really did not know. ='(

I couldn't disobey my mother. I didn't want to make you sad. I was confused. I still am. I........ still am so confused.

Even now, as I'm writing this, I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

I wonder why did God do this to me? Did God want to punish me? But why did God make me hurt you, Peng?! Why did I have hurt you?!?! WHY!!!!

I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to make you happy.

Where did I go wrong?

You made me so happy, Peng... but all I gave you was sadness.

All I know now is that breaking up with you shattered my heart. I know I deserved it.

Take care, Peng. My cute baby girl, Peng! I love you so much! ^_^